when it rains...

i never expected the path of my life to take this many turns and end up where i am right now.

it's hard not to dwell and worry about all the things that have come out of my illnesses, on top of all the other stresses in my life and family.

earlier this month, i found out that my student insurance, which supposedly covered my last hospitalization, my doctors' visits and lab work... will probably be null and voided because my internet coursework didn't count as being a full-time student.

so... along with my student loan debt, i am looking at more than $100,000 in medical bills, not a cent of which i can repay.

on top of that, my three conditions (lupus, thalassemia and depression) pretty much render me uninsurable. so, i am without insurance right now, and i've already missed one Aranesp injection and round of bloodwork. i have appointments coming up, and if i can't get major risk insurance before that, i'll have to pay for them out of pocket. luckily, i'm getting my CellCept for free, so i don't have to worry about that. all my other medications are generics, so i can get them cheap.

and if that weren't an insult to injury, i may be taking a leave of absence from school. i did horribly in both my classes last semester and if i have to get a job to maybe try to get insurance (with a non-exclusion clause for pre-existing conditions) and earn some money, i may either take one class this semester or delay until the fall.

for the past five days or so, i've had one long flare consisting of low-grade fevers as high as 100.3° F, extreme exhaustion, body aches and pain in my side bad enough that i could barely lift my leg to put on a pair of pants. i know it's been a direct result of all my stress and drama that's been going on in my family (it's too complicated to explain).

consequently, i'm in the process of filing for Social Security Disability—something i never thought i'd have to do at the age of 30. one of my dad's patients, who is actually an assistant to Congressman Ron Paul (aka a caseworker for SS), is helping me with the process. he said that once i've filed my application, he'll Congressionally flag it to expedite the process. for that, i'm really, really thankful. my appointment with my local SS office is on February 6th, so wish me luck.

i'm really trying hard to not be depressed about all of this since stress causes flares... but it's hard not to be. i cry often and hard, and try to make sense of why this has happened to me. maybe i'll never know why, but perhaps it's in the questioning that i'll do the most growing and learning.

but for right now, it's all just salt in the wound.